going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.