going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
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[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.