Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.

She: And yet you don’t shut up.

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.