going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
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Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.