Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.