Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
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True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.