Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]