Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
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Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Fluff me with a fork baby
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”