Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
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{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.