Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
You Might Also Like
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out