Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
