Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
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Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
another case of gang violins
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Why are bridges so flammable.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.