Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
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[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Split the bill
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”