Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
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No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.