Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me