Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

KID: Where’s grandma?

DAD: She’s in a better place now

KID: Canada?

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

Just say no

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle