Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
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**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun