Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Them: You should try keto
Me:

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.

reviewed some movies recently

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

Never ghost your hitman.

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.