Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
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There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.