Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻‍♀️

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.