Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

I have a place for everything. The floor.

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO