@ClichedOut

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

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@chuuew

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

@myonlymizztake

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

@Greg_1_Leg

Always be yourself.

Unless youโ€™re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

@amishschool

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

@Jmboyd58

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

@darth_erogenous

your only scared of bullets because theyre going fast. id be scared of a sandwich if it was travelling at 2500 feet per second

@TeeJayRush

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

@arwenlothbrok

Me socialising: terrible.

Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.

@SarahAMoulton

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

@MartaEffing

I paid 4 the lady in front of me @ Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it’s the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.