Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

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Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.


Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.


Always be yourself.

Unless youโ€™re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!


Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:



Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.


your only scared of bullets because theyre going fast. id be scared of a sandwich if it was travelling at 2500 feet per second


Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…


Me socialising: terrible.

Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.


I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”


I paid 4 the lady in front of me @ Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it’s the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.