Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
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Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no