Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
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“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I have obtained a hat
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”