Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

Big Sex has us all fooled

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

🖤✌🏽

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat