Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.