Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

Icarus loved hot wings.

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

me opening up to someone

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence