goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[montage of me giving-up]
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Taking phone security to the next level.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.