goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Its a hippotatomus
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
But wait…
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
