goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?