Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
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I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.