Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
You Might Also Like
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?