Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

based

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.