Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”