The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
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“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Speed-dating, but it’s just me going from table to table stealing fries from unsuspecting couples gazing longingly into each other’s eyes