Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

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The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.


“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”


Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.


I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …


How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?


i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.


How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?


Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”


Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please


Speed-dating, but it’s just me going from table to table stealing fries from unsuspecting couples gazing longingly into each other’s eyes