Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
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*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I hate my earbuds.
This is painfully accurate 😅
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……