Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

best first i’ve ever seen

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.