Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
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watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I’m sorry…what?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
