Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
You Might Also Like
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
sir, my pâté if you please
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?