Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
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I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I am never leaving this website
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going