goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
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Oh my God.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.