Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

wishing you and yours all the best

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not