Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
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Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Here’s a meme
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
R.I.P.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope