Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
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My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
It was worth a shot 😂
