Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
You Might Also Like
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow