Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
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I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet