Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
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[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related