Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
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[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
he was correct
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
got so much cardio in today
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off