Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

Birds & Planes.

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.