@BoomBoomBetty

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

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@skedaddle74

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

@SkunkFarts

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

@bggas400

You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.

@Jarhead44

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

@YeahDrewisOn

Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn’t it a bit late to zombiefy yourself?

Her: What’s zombiefy?

Me: …Your hair looks great!

@sonictyrant

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

@HatesNiceThings

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

@ChipKellysBalls

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

@KalvinMacleod

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.