The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
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Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
that wasn’t the question
Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn’t it a bit late to zombiefy yourself?
Her: What’s zombiefy?
Me: …Your hair looks great!
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.