Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?