Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!