Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
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The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t