Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
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The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*