Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
You Might Also Like
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.