Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
You Might Also Like
PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him
ELENA: He’s not!
PUTIN: (softly) u…s…
[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?
Cannoli do so much.
Now hes just a pizza history.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]