Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
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…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
This kid is going places
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”