*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
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The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.