*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
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Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
A decision was made here.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
This is a genius move
