*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
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I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭