*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
You Might Also Like
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go