Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

Help Wanted

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

Support your local cemetery

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

Squirrels before girls.

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school