Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

My time has come.

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.