Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
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My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
We all have our pet causes.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!