Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
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“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.