Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
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I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Thursday Thought.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
you telling me a banana nut in this bread