Golf would be better with landmines.
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Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.