Golf would be better with landmines.
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[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?