Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby

Doormats are a gateway rug.

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

accurate

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

get you a girl who

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*