Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
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Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet