Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
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My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
courtroom exchange of the day
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
🤣
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA