Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

The honesty is refreshing

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

I am never leaving this website

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

Otters drive ottermobiles.

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.