Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

Heroic Misunderstanding

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”