GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
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One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Welcome
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.