@bobvulfov

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

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@jellybnbonanza

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

@flashember

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

@13spencer

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

@gaynorlsimpson

How to stop an unwanted DM.

Hi, how are you?

Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I’m a psychotic cow, how are you?

@Donna_McCoy

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

@TattedChanel

So Brad Pitt is being investigated for child abuse after yelling at his kids on a flight. Better send my mum to the electric chair then.

@murrman5

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

@omgthatspunny

I told my boss I needed a pay rise, I said that 3 other companies were after me. He said: “which ones?”

I replied: “the electricity, gas and the water”.