Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

Cardio Made Easy

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.