gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
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you’re not fooling anyone
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……