gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
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13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
my dog when i have a friend over
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream