Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

Facebook memories be like

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka