Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
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Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add