Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
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[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
orange cat behavior
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
#MeanwhileInCanada
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.