Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.