Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
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Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
doing some research
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?