Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

🤣

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

Well. That’s not a good sign.

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no